How to Talk to Kids About Pain and Suffering

I remember vividly the day my daughter, at age 5, asked the ageless question. You see, weeks prior my brother and his family were traveling back from Florida for family vacation when they were in a horrendous car accident. God’s providential care alone preserved their lives. They survived, but not without physical and emotional scars and broken feelings and bones. It changed them all forever.

One day in our home, out of seemingly nowhere, my daughter asked me “daddy if God is good why did the car accident happen?” And there it is. The complexity of the Problem of Evil is not exempt from the simplicity and honesty of youth.

This is a hard enough conversation and it’s even harder with little ones, but no less necessary. In fact, I would argue that when they’re young is precisely the time to begin conversations about heavy things, for life will get heavier for them. How then do we do this? I hope to offer a theological basis for this topic and then some practical approaches for actually having the conversations. So, I will do some explaining and then provide “conversation helps.”

First, establish their understanding of sin.

I suggest this first because it gets to one of the central considerations of the topic, cause. And, I suggest dealing with sin first because it’s practical parentally. It gives you something to trace back to when having the conversation with your kids. It appeals to causation. In other words, it provides necessary foundation for your kids because you’re addressing the question of source, or “where did this come from?”

They can understand bad things happen because of badness and that badness comes from sinfulness. Helping them hang the hat of suffering on the peg of sin provides original clarity and rightly teaches the danger of sin. If they pinch their finger in a door we teach them to be careful how they shut doors. Clarifying the source of pain is protective; and so it is with the pains of trial. This teaches pain has an objective foundation and isn’t a chaotic concept distinct from God’s control. We will deal more with this soon.

Parentally, I don’t believe any truly valuable or transformative conversation with our kids occurs if we have not rightly taught them sin. They will not interpret anything about their lives correctly if they don’t see sin as their greatest danger, scariest problem, and ultimate source of pain.

If we teach them that they’re simply misunderstood, excuse sinful behavior as environmental problems, or justify depravity with “personality;” when pain comes, they are likely to see the pain itself as a threat rather than its deadly source, sin.

Conversation Helps:

• “Sin causes bad things to happen, but God makes everything work together for good.”
• “I’m sorry this hurts. Sin causes so much hurt.”
• “Sin is against us, but Jesus is for us.”
• “Sin started these problems, but Jesus will end them.”

Draw a line between the effects of sin and sinful consequences.

We should be thankful that Job’s friends aren’t always right. They operated with the assumption that all pain is not only the result of sin, but always the result of your (or my) sin. In other words God treats us good when we are good and causes us to suffer when we sin. If God caused me suffering proportionate to my sin I would’ve been crushed long ago.

We must make certain that we draw a line in their thinking between sin’s effects and sinful consequences. Let’s begin in the Garden of Eden. The thorny and poisonous vines of the curse weave their way into every development of God’s story in the Bible, threatening peace and damaging lives.

• Gen. 3:13—16 —> Family harmony is the first casualty of the Fall in the Garden.
• Romans 5:12 —> Death and all heinous suffering that accompanies it are immediately inflicted upon the world by Adam’s sin.
• Revelation 21:4 —> teaches the effects of sin in reverse by stating what God himself will do to rid eternity of sin’s effects- Grief will be gone. The shedding of Christ’s blood ends the shedding of tears. Death will be defeated (1 Cor. 15:26). Pain and all physical malady was finally defeated when Christ suffered pain “in his body of flesh” (1 Pet. 2:24) on the cross.

And to address sinful consequences, there are a few texts that state God will discipline us for our sin (1 Cor. 11:29-30; Heb. 12:5-11). God may bring healing pain into our lives. Consequently, as parents, we should also express our love by administering the healing pain of discipline in the lives of our children. We must take great care, though, that we are not thoughtlessly attaching all adversity to sinful behavior. We want our children to run to the arms of God in need, not stand at a distance fearing his reach.

Conversation Helps:

• “Some pain comes from our choices. Do you think you’re feeling that pain right now?”
• “Is there something we could’ve done to avoid this pain?”
• “God wants to help you through this, no matter what happened or whose fault it may have been.”
• “Even when we make mistakes that hurt, God loves us and offers His help.”

Teach them that God is sovereign.

Our kids need a God who can control what seems out of control and operates outside of accidents. All they know is a life of chaos with mom and dad trying to bring a little order. Use little words to teach big ideas. Remember that sovereignty isn’t only the idea of control. It maintains the idea of purpose and intent. When trial comes, please do not say to your kids “God didn’t want this to happen.”

This presents an unsovereign and puny god who can’t stop what he doesn’t want. It’s also just wrong (Psalm 115:3). So, teach them a true and hopeful definition. God’s sovereignty will help our littles ones bring pain into purpose and chaos into order.

Conversation Helps:

• “Remember we can trust God because he always does the right thing, for the right reason, the right way.”
• “God doesn’t say ‘oops.’”
• “Daddy makes mistakes sometimes, but not God.”
• “God has really good reasons for allowing bad things to happen.”

Resolve all things with Christ.

Christ is the ultimate sufferer and eternal conqueror, so where else should we bring our suffering souls and confused children? Bringing Christ into suffering presents him rightly to our children as empathetic and understanding (Heb. 12:3).

Conversation Helps:

• “Jesus understands this. He understands you.”
• “Jesus shows us our heart and his heart when we hurt.”
• “You’re not alone. Ask Jesus to help you with your pain.”
• “Jesus loves you perfectly so he cares about everything that hurts you.”

And since he is the eternal conqueror, we are assured the comfort of victory even when life feels defeating. Earlier I said if God caused me suffering proportionate to my sin, I would’ve been crushed long ago. Well, he didn’t. He caused Christ suffering proportionate to my sin and crushed him, raising me up to stand blameless and faultless before the Father.

Conversation Helps:

• “Since Jesus is stronger than sin, he can help you have a joyful heart when you hurt.”
• “Since Jesus defeated death on the cross, he is strong enough to help you trust him.”
• “You need to believe in Jesus to have hope and comfort when things seem bad.”
• “Since Jesus rose from the dead, bad things will one day end.”

I wish I could say that was able to answer my daughter’s question with one conversation, but I wasn’t. Because as you know, that’s not how pain and suffering works. I’m not able to resolve my children’s questions of pain, but Christ is. So let’s keep answering our children’s questions of pain and suffering with the Ultimate Sufferer, and one day, He’ll answer them Himself.