How to Help a Friend Who Has Lost a Child

The summer camp I worked at through college had a large obstacle and ropes course. My favorite part of the course was “the wall”. It was twelve feet tall, and the whole group had to work together to get over the top. One cabin especially demonstrated the power of teamwork. We had a larger young man who couldn’t do most of the obstacle course because of his physique.

In his mind, there was no way he was going to get over the wall. But his cabin-mates insisted he could do it. They worked together to get this young man up and over the wall, coaching him along the way, encouraging him, pushing him up and pulling him over. It was hard and slow and exhausting, but he did it. And just as importantly, they did it. The whole group celebrated that accomplishment.

When my wife and I lost our son, Zion, in 2023, we were devastated. In the months following his death, getting through the day felt like trying to scale a twelve-foot wall. As we tried to figure out this new normal of living with intense and overwhelming grief, it took an enormous amount of effort and mental energy to do the bare necessities each day.

But thankfully, in those dreadful days and months, God brought to us many other people who helped us scale the wall. Without the patient encouragement and loving involvement of friends and family, we would have struggled even more than we did. Though they couldn’t fix the problem or reduce the pain, they could give us a boost to lift our spirits and lighten our load.

I’ve written two other articles about infant loss, both speaking to those who have buried their child. This post addresses those who have watched their loved one or friend grieve the loss of a child. This is such a hard situation, and you are probably at a loss for what to do and say to them. You want to express your love and help them, but you don’t want to burden them, or worse, offend them. What do you do when you don’t know what to do? How do you help those who have lost a child?

Since I’ve been on the receiving end of such gracious help, I’d like to share five ways to help those who have lost a child. You may not be able to do all five, and this is certainly not an exhaustive list. These things ministered immensely to me, and I hope they give you a place to start as you walk the road of suffering with your friend.

1. Pray

Every person can do this, no matter your age, proximity, or resources. There is no greater way to minister to your friend than to bring them before God’s throne. You can:

• Plead with God to pour out his powerful grace and tender love on them.
• Ask the Lord to make His presence felt so strongly.
• Pray for them to trust the Lord through the fog of grief and give their pain to the Lord in hopeful lament.
• Ask God to give them a special promise from His Word that will sustain them through the day.

If you want more guidance or suggestions on how to pray for the hurting, I encourage you to purchase the short book, “5 Things to Pray for a Suffering Friend”.

I would add two other quick encouragements here. First, keep praying for them. Make them a regular part of your prayers for several months. Or even a year.¹

Second, tell them you’re praying for them. Set a phone or calendar reminder once a month for a year, and send them a text, email or note. Make clear to them that they don’t have to respond, but you just wanted them to know you’ve been praying for them, and then share one thing you’ve been praying for them about. That will be a powerful encouragement to them.

2. Let Them Grieve

When something tragic happens, we want so badly to fix it and make it better. And unless we have spent time thinking about what to say to our distraught friend, we may find ourselves in a situation where we don’t know what to say, and it feels so awkward, so we just slap a biblical “band-aid” on them. While what we say may be true from the Bible, it can be a gut punch to the sufferer when you try to cheer them up prematurely with a promise taken out of context or a truth “unfitly spoken” (Prov. 25:11).

Instead, allow them to be sad, because it is sad. This world is broken, and the shards of brokenness cut us deeply. When affliction steps into our home, it’s not a mark of godliness to pretend like it never happened or try to dismiss it as quickly as possible. God speaks to us in the language of pain; it’s ok to be sad. Frankly, it’s human to be sad. We grieve because we are human, but we grieve with hope because we are Christians.

So, let them grieve. Encourage them to find grace through lament. They’re hurting, so if they want to talk, listen to them. Most of the time they don’t need you to “fix things”, because things can’t be fixed. You won’t say one thing that will make the problem go away, so walk with them through their grief (if they want that). Be ok with silence if they struggle for words to say, and don’t press them about sharing the details of the situation. They will open up when they feel ready if they trust you.

3. Love Them with Actions

You can show love to them by simply taking the initiative to act. Everyone has to eat, so bringing a meal is a simple and fairly cheap way you can be a huge blessing to someone else. It doesn’t have to be homemade either—a Costco pizza can go a long way.

Gift cards have also been great too if you live further away. One suggestion here, as funny as this might sound: don’t give a gift card that requires them to make lots of decisions. It’s overwhelming trying to figure out which restaurant to order from, and it can stress people out! If you send a Doordash gift card, share with them a place that you enjoy.

Also, try to avoid the phrase, “let me know if I can do anything”. That puts the burden on the sufferer to initiate something with you. It’s better to suggest something and then ask for permission, like: “I’d like to bring a meal over—would Tuesday or Wednesday night be ok?”

4. Be patient

Love is patient. Be patient with your hurting friend. There is no schedule for bouncing back after this, and it will take years for them to bounce back. Yes, years, plural.

It’s fine to reach out and offer to talk or to do something, but if they don’t spend as much time with you, don’t take it personally. If they don’t respond to a text or phone call, don’t be put off. Don’t be nosy, looking for details and trying to pry them open. Give them space and be a steady presence of encouragement in their lives. They don’t need you getting upset with them because they aren’t like they used to be.

Remember, they are trying to just get through the day. They don’t have mental energy or relational bandwidth to do extra social things. So give them time, and practice the other things on this list, especially numbers 1 and 3.

5. Remember Their Suffering

Long after other people have moved on, they will still be figuring things out. But since we can’t see emotional injuries, it’s easy to forget they are real and hurt badly. For my wife and I, some of the hardest emotional times came 6-9 months after we lost our son. The first anniversary of his death was a hard, painful day.

A powerful way to remember their suffering is simply to talk about your friend’s child. Now, that may not be true for everyone, so be discerning. But in my mind, it encouraged me to know that someone was so kind to remember him and willing to risk the awkwardness of the situation that they mentioned him to me in a note or in a conversation.

I don’t trust my memory to remember important things. Technology can help you by doing the remembering for you; put it on your calendar or set a reminder.

Conclusion

I hope that no one you know will ever face the death of a child, but if they do, I trust these things will give you some direction on how to help them over the wall each day. By God’s grace, you can encourage them as they walk the road of healing.