Who Calls the Shots In Your Home?

My experience as a growing dad is probably similar to yours in many ways. Before I had kids and was married, I knew I was a sinner and that Jesus was my Savior, but sometimes I felt like a pretty decent person. I made my bed most days. I didn’t yell at people in public. I was pretty nice. And then I got married and had kids, and I began to realize something is very wrong with me. I am naturally a very selfish person.

I suspect you’ve experienced the same thing. We are all naturally self-centered people, but our selfishness shows up most clearly in our relationships, in particular, relationships with those closest to us. This selfishness is an indicator of our desire to rule our own lives, and it negatively impacts our relationships, especially our home relationships. Dads who try to be the ruler of their lives damage their homes.

So when we turn our attention to Paul’s instructions to dads in his letters, it’s like a garden in a desert. In contrast to the dark backdrop of our selfish decisions, Paul showcases the beautiful difference Jesus makes in our home.

Consider Paul’s instructions to the Christian dads in Colossae.

The New Creation Hits Home

In chapters 1 and 2 of Paul’s letter, he has already told Christian dads that Jesus changes everything about their lives. The risen Jesus is King over everything, and those who repent and believe are raised with Him to become a new creation—a citizen of Christ’s heavenly kingdom. Christian dad, you’re a new creation!

So here’s a question. What will it look like for a new creation dad to live on this old earth? In particular, what will it look like at home?

Take a moment to read Paul’s answer in Colossians 3:21:

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

This is just one piece of Paul’s multi-faceted instructions for the household. He also addresses wives, husbands, kids, domestic slaves, and their masters. And if you were to keep reading, you’d notice one word gets repeated. It’s the word “Lord,” most likely referring to our Lord Jesus. The word “Lord” is used sixteen times in Colossians, and nine of those instances are found in this little passage!

So, when a Christian dad lives out his new creation life, his focus will be on the Lord Jesus, not on his own desires or ambitions.

Think about it this way. If you see a hobby drone flying around your neighborhood, you can be pretty sure that someone is controlling it somewhere. When the drone moves right, someone is directing it. When it lands, someone is controlling its movement.

In the same way, when someone walks into your home and begins to watch your behavior, they should think to themselves, “Someone is calling the shots here.” A new creation home is a home where Jesus is calling the shots. And a new creation dad is a dad who bows to Jesus.

But how does he bow to Jesus?

Bowing to Jesus at Home

Paul’s answer is short and weighty:

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

I don’t know about you, but I would have expected Paul to say, “Fathers don’t become provoked at your children.” But Paul’s inspired instructions are moving in a different direction.

To provoke means to “exasperate” or “to cause someone to react in a way that suggests acceptance of a challenge”. So, what’s going to provoke your children? Relating to them as if you and they are in a competition. Have you ever done that? This might look stringing together harsh and hurtful words to put them down, trying to prove that you’re right, placing unrealistic expectations on them, wanting them to make you look good in public, worrying about what they will become, excessively disciplining them, or refusing to discipline them at all.

The bottom line with all these failures is that you are viewing your children as if they exist for you—as if you are their owner or lord. When you treat your child like you are their lord, like they exist for you, It’s going to exasperate them, because—let’s face it—you’re not a very good lord. According to Paul, this is eventually going to make them lose heart and give up.

So if you want to bow your knee to Jesus, don’t follow your own plan. Instead, let the Lord Jesus call the shots. Ask, “What is Jesus seeking to accomplish in the lives of my children through me?”

We get a slightly fuller version of Paul’s instruction in the sister letter to the Ephesians—this time including the positive side.

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)

Did you catch it? What is Jesus doing in the lives of your children through you? Discipleship! He wants to discipline and instruct your children—through you! Christian dads bow to Jesus by discipling their children toward greater Christlikeness.

This takes place in informal moments throughout the day. When you’re hanging out with your kids, you’re looking for opportunities to point them to the Lord Jesus. When you’re requiring obedience or disciplining for disobedience, you’re representing the Lord Jesus.

This also takes place in formal moments. When you’re leading your family in a group devotion time or preparing them to worship with your church family, you are seeking to exalt the Lord Jesus Christ.

Somebody is Calling the Shots Here

So let’s say someone walks into your home and sees you gently handling your child’s bad attitude by pointing that child to Jesus Christ. The person may think to himself, “It’s obvious that this dad isn’t following his own plan. Somebody else is calling the shots here!”

Maybe you look at your own family and think, “We’re a mess, a mess that feels beyond repair.” Let me encourage you to keep your eyes on Jesus. Take your eyes off your own failures or the frustrations of parenting and fix them on Jesus Christ. Bow your knee to Him each morning. Let Jesus call the shots in your home.