Guiding Your Children Through Conflict Resolution

As my two children approach “teenage-hood”, I’ve observed a strong uptick in the presence of conflict. Arguments, accusations, misunderstandings that result in anger or hurt feelings are now nearly as common as the demand for snacks (not quite, but close!). Where there was once cheerful interactive play, there is now increased annoyance, disagreement, and even hostility.

Several factors can contribute to that reality. Their brains have developed more skill in critical thinking, leading to a remarkably convenient ability to argue! Their ever-growing vocabulary has given them a new weapon to use to get their desired outcomes. They are more cognizant of the conflict they see in relationships around them. Entertainment and social media tends to model an aggressive form of conflict, often painted as normal or couched in the context of “healthy debate” that still tends to descend into pettiness or worse.

Every home has conflict. No matter the age of our children, there is rivalry and strife. As parents, we have the God-given responsibility to teach them Christlike conflict resolution diligently. And if they are like mine, you likely have regular opportunities to do so! As Christian parents, we are fully equipped for this duty through the Word of God and the truths of the gospel of Jesus.

In this article, I want to encourage fellow dads in that hope. While every instance of conflict is nuanced, there are several approaches that we should keep at the forefront of our minds as parents every time. I’d like to suggest five simple commitments that we can make as parents that can positively affect every opportunity God gives us to guide our children through conflict resolution.

Put Christ’s Work at the Center of Conflict Resolution

We must start here. When our children are arguing with each other or bring home the news of developing strife with a classmate, we could coach them up with solutions from our own knowledge or experience–and there’s certainly a place for that. But we have the opportunity to give them something much more valuable. We can help them perceive their conflict and the solution to it through the lens of the gospel of Jesus. We must help them root their response in the reality of Christ’s work and example as displayed through the cross.

Consider the truth in Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” That verse features commands we all know are right. I’m sure I’ve responded many times to inter-sibling strife by yelling, “Just be kind, will ya?!” or “Say you’re sorry!” I know that’s what they should do. But I am leading incompletely as a dad by simply forcing that response without teaching them the “why” and “how” presented at the end of this verse–“as God in Christ forgave you.” This is hugely important and separates conflict resolution in a Christian home and heart from all other forms.

I can and must choose kindness, even if someone else has been unkind to me, because God has extended infinite undeserved kindness to me. I must refuse to harbor anger or enmity against someone else because Jesus humbly and lovingly extended tenderheartedness to me when I didn’t deserve it. I must forgive the wrongs done to me because I have been forgiven of so, so much more. And because I’m in him, I am given grace to look like him in this way, trusting him to help me! Teach your kids that the why and how of conflict resolution is found in the work and example of Jesus.

Use the Word of God

We just saw how simply and effectively a passage like Ephesians 4:32 speaks to our kids, on their level, about how to deal with disagreements and hurts. The Holy Spirit says it a whole lot better than we can! I’d encourage you to use the actual words of God when you are helping your kids resolve their conflicts.

Show them what God says about how they should respond and help them apply those truths to their squabble. Show them where God says conflict comes from (James 4:1-3) and encourage them to analyze their own motive in that moment. Teach them to pursue peace (Romans 12:18). Instruct them in the God-given process for approaching someone who has wronged them (Matthew 18:15). Emphasize the attitude with which we should approach that person (Ephesians 4:15; Proverbs 15:1). Remind them of Old Testament examples of the disastrous consequences of failing to resolve conflict God’s way. Make sure they hear his words, not just yours!

Gather Information Carefully Before Instructing

We parents are busy people, and taking the time to lead our kids through their conflicts takes time and effort. It can be immensely challenging to stop everything, sit everyone down, and get to the bottom of a quarrel. Our kids are human; they will always present their side in the best possible light and do the opposite for their opponent!

We as dads typically tend to default to “fix it” mode, but we must take time and effort to proceed carefully. We run the risk of being deficient or even inaccurate in our full addressing of the issue when we rush through the process or haphazardly throw out band-aid solutions. Pray together before you begin. Hear both sides of the matter thoroughly. Correct the unbiblical thinking on each side. Discuss what the different actions and responses should have been utilized and how they can be utilized next time.

Be Patiently Consistent

I’ve noticed one disturbing tendency in myself as I help my children resolve their own conflicts–I can let my impatience produce irritation. Their sibling altercations can often be frequent enough that they really drain on my wife and me. It can seem like a day doesn’t go by without several flair-ups. Our natural response to that constant stress-inducer is frustration and exasperation. I’ll admit it; I can create more conflict due to my irritated response to their conflict!

Dads, it is vital that we instruct and handle our children’s interpersonal issues with consistency. They need to know what to expect from dad and mom whenever we sit down to work through a conflict. They need to see immense patience from us, no matter how frequent (and annoying) those conflicts are. This is what it means to not provoke our children to anger (Ephesians 6:4) or discouragement (Colossians 3:21).

Here’s one truth that helps me be patiently consistent as I train my kids: We as dads must remember that we help shape their view of God through our godly fathering. As they watch and listen to us nurture and admonish them, are they seeing a model of a patient, loving, consistent heavenly Father in me? Do they see justice and wisdom accompanied by compassion and love, and do they see that with consistency? Or do they get mixed signals from me? Be patient and consistent.

Model Biblical Conflict Resolution as Parents

Dads, we can do well in all of the above priorities and still fail our children if we don’t practice what we preach in our interactions with our spouse. We know those in our home the best; our children observe and draw conclusions from what they see you and your wife do amid your own conflicts. That model can powerfully back up your biblical teaching to them, or it can make your instruction almost entirely ineffective.

When you need to have serious conversations with your spouse due to disagreements or interpersonal conflict between the two of you, make sure those conversations happen lovingly and, whenever possible, privately. But even in the minor disagreements that occur between spouses in daily family life, know that your actions instruct as well. What a privilege it is to guide our children in the paths of Christlike reconciliation. No matter the life situation in which they will find themselves, they will always be surrounded by people. And where there are people, there is bound to be conflict! There are few skills we can develop in our kids more important than handling interpersonal issues biblically. I trust that these five commitments are a helpful foundation for each opportunity. May God give you wisdom in each one!