Gutted by Guilt: How to Handle Parental Regret

Our family loves Bluey. Mommy and daddy laugh as much (probably more) than the kids do. I remember early in the Bluey-watching days I would irrationally ask myself why I wasn’t as fun and chill as Bandit. A TV show, about animated dogs, was giving me dad guilt! I shared this jokingly with another brother in our church, and he felt the same! How odd, to look at my TV and feel twinges of guilt watching Bandit play Dance Mode. But, how gutting, to look at my child’s eyes and feel regret, knowing I’ve caused them pain.

We’ve all been there. It was a harsh word. It was an alarming tone. Or, it was a life-changing pain, like moral failure. Since our love for our children is unmatched, the guilt is proportionately more gutting. I’ve never met an un-guilty parent of any age or at any stage. Parental guilt may become an unbearable burden and paralyzing pain if not assessed and addressed correctly.

So, I want to offer four simple theological realities and a corresponding Scripture to respond to parent guilt, whether a twinge or paralysis.

1. What they are in Christ is more certain than who they will be because of us.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. (Romans 6:5)

This text is describing what takes place to true believers when Christ saves them. They are not brought in nearness to Christ but oneness to Christ. Since Christ’s resurrection brought us to oneness in him, and he cannot be unraised, our union is settled in Christ. We can’t be fired from it. It can’t be lost on us or in us. We are secure in the glories of Christ through the grace of Christ. This spiritual uniting means we receive the resources of Christ, the security of Christ, and the rights and privileges of Christ. Amen and amen!

Often, when I sin against my kids, I intentionally use the phrase “Please forgive me. Jesus wouldn’t do…[insert however I sinned].” I am attempting to put distance between my sin and Christ’s security. I want them to be confident in Christ, not primarily in me. If you help them know who they are in Christ, you need not be crushed by the fear of who they aren’t, or might not be, because of you. You don’t need to toil to keep them safe in yourself when you can relinquish their safety to Christ, who secured them in himself. How can you answer your insecurity of parental regret? With the truth that as long as they are in Christ, everything is going to be ok.

2. The only perfect Father to ever live both parents us and parents with us.

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” (Romans 8:14-15)

Here Paul is meditating on the glory of our adoption to God and God the Spirit’s work in sealing our adoption to our Father. So, Paul makes the case that through the work of God the Spirit, we are safely secured in God the Father.

This next part is important. Check verse 15 with me; there is apparently an immediate byproduct of defaulting to the spirit of slavery to sin rather than resting in the Spirit of adoption. It says when we don’t live in the confidence of our adoption, we default back to fear. Fear and guilt are a two-headed monster.

Think of the immediate events of the Fall in Genesis 3. After Adam and Eve disobeyed, their guilt (covering their shame with leaves) caused them to hide in fear. From the very beginning, where you’ve found guilt, you’ve also found fear. So, where do you go when the two-headed monster tries to gut you with guilt and produce fears from your failures?

Assure yourself in the love of God. If we truly understand the love and assurance of our Heavenly Father, we have a place to go when we aren’t very good earthly dads. The fears of guilt will not prevail over the grace of your Father. Bring your failings to the Father who will never fail you, and you will bring your children into that confidence with you.

3. The work of true transformation is lifelong, not limited by duration.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6)

Man, I’m glad for this verse. Perhaps you think of the half-finished projects you started around the house. Your wife definitely is! Christ is the ultimate task-finisher, and here, that task is transformation. He has sanctified us and he is sanctifying us (Heb. 10:14). You see, the gospel is a line, not a dot. It didn’t just do something. It is doing something. Christ began it, and he will finish it.

That means I don’t have to get it all together this week. He is getting it all together in me over time. And so it is with your kids. Our failures don’t nullify God’s grace to transform over time. What happened yesterday, or last month, or decades ago, will not detract from Christ’s sufficiency to sanctify today. We mustn’t live our lives counting our children’s years in our failures when Christ intends to be faithful to them for a lifetime.

4. What is redeemed in Christ cannot be ruined by us.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

How many parents have felt a chill go down their spine at the thought that their kids would turn out like them?

Well, to put it morbidly, if your children are in Christ, you cannot ruin them. According to this text, salvation doesn’t make ok people excellent people, or even bad people good. It makes new creations out of old, dead chaos. Friend, you quite literally cannot ruin a redeemed child, for they were redeemed from ruin! So, living as new creations in Christ assures that we will live in the rest and resource of redemption, rather than the striving and insecurity of sin.

The gospel is sufficient to free you from guilt before your heavenly Father, and so it is able to free you from guilt before your earthly children. We who have been made positionally free by gospel grace have no need to feel gutted by the pains of parental guilt.