What It Means to Love Your Wife

Colossians 3:19 holds two commands for husbands:

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

While these commands are easy to understand, they are both very general and require biblical wisdom to apply.

What does it mean to love sacrificially? And what can we draw from biblical teachings and practical advice to help us love our wives biblically?

Command #1: Love Sacrificially

While arguably too much has been made of the Greek word here, the word does mean something like, “to love sacrificially.”

Etymology isn’t nearly as helpful as the cross-reference in Ephesians 5:25, which says this term refers to a loyal and selfless love, one that mirrors Christ’s love for the church.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

It’s no surprise that the only other use of the word in Colossians is found in 3:12, which says that God loves us. We cannot simply feel love; we must express it through actions and words so much so that it looks like “cherishing” (Eph. 5:29).

Command #2: Do not be embittered

Colossians 3:19 warns husbands not to be sharp or embittered towards their wives. Becoming embittered practically happens in two ways: 1) when we focus on our authority or 2) when we only love our wives when we feel loved.

Perhaps a workplace illustration will help with the first point. Imagine a boss who is obsessed with his own authority. Will that boss win the respect of his employees? No! The more he obsesses over the respect he’s due, the less he’ll be respected, and the more sharp and hostile he will be. The same is true of husbands.

To the second point, if you measure out your love only when you feel loved, you will start to harden your heart against your wife because you will always grade on a curve. The command is to “love” not “love when you feel loved.”

If you wield your authority and your expressions of love out of selfishness, you will become bitter and cause your wife to retract from you, not respect you.

Practical Steps to Nurture Love

Let’s now look at five practical steps to help you apply Paul’s simple commands.

1. Learn your wife

You can read every marriage book and get advice from every husband you know, but only one person knows how your wife wants to be loved—your wife!

Listen carefully, observe, and ask specific questions to understand what makes your wife feel cherished and then change your actions to match. Your wife is always changing, so you need to be an active learner.

This is important: your love is not measured by your effort to love, but by your wife’s experience of your effort. Bringing flowers home and proclaiming, “There, I did it. You feel loved!” won’t cut it.

No matter how hard you’re trying, if she doesn’t feel loved, you’ll need to learn how to better communicate your love. So make it a habit to regularly ask how you can make her feel more loved (and don’t get offended if she doesn’t see your effort; learn!).

Better still, offer several options along with the open-ended question.

“Would you like me to sit on the couch and talk with you, make dinner, watch the kids so you can be with one of your friends, or something else?”

2. Make your wife feel cherished

Ephesians 5:29 teaches that you must care for your wife as you would care for your own body. In fact, Paul uses the word “cherish” and the concept goes beyond mere stoic sacrifice.

Your job is to help your wife feel valued and appreciated every day. Does your wife feel treasured or discarded? Does she feel cherished or used? Does she feel special or common?

Until she feels truly cherished, you have more work to do. Buy her bath bombs, make a craft together, read a book to her, bring her flowers, or be physically affectionate without initiating intimacy.¹

3. Be predictable and stable

Predictability in behavior provides a sense of security and stability for your entire home. Be predictable emotionally, in your schedule, in your conversations, and in your parenting. Wield your authority so your wife is at rest when you’re around.

Our world is full of moody and emotionally-immature men. When you are emotionally volatile, it disrupts the home and causes your wife and kids to dread your presence.

Seek the counsel and help of your pastor, other godly men, or a counselor to help you learn how to process life and be emotionally stable.

Mature men do not habitually pout, explode in anger, be harsh and cruel, or manipulate emotionally. Learn to process biblically and give your wife the gift of loving stability.

4. Be vulnerable

Be willing to open up your inner thoughts and feelings without being emotionally volatile. Men often wrongly assume that vulnerability shows weakness, where it actually invites your wife to true intimacy.

If you struggle talking openly, go on regular walks with your wife. I’ve always found that men open up to their wives naturally when they walk together.

Being vulnerable usually tells your wife, “I trust you with my heart. I love you” far more than gifts or money or sex ever will.

5. Pursue a lifestyle of intimacy

True intimacy extends beyond the physical. The best kind of intimacy is emotional and spiritual.

Husbands should focus on developing a lifestyle of intimacy, where their wives feel close and connected. At the very least, intimacy means you understand and respond to your wife’s need for emotional support and companionship.

(As a side note, when you pout about your wife not wanting physical intimacy, you’re telling your wife, “I don’t care about you. I just want sex.” And that is the exact opposite of intimacy.)

Conclusion

Loving like Christ is a high calling, and it won’t happen accidentally. As a starting point, ask for God’s help and go ask your wife, “What’s one way I can make you feel more loved today?”