How to Help Your Children Make Good Decisions

The questions come too soon. “Can I watch [fill in the blank]?” “So-and-so is allowed to watch… so why can’t I?” “What’s wrong with…?” “Am I too young for?” “When can I get a phone?” You know it goes. It’s alarming how young it starts.

We need answers for these questions, biblical ones. I want to provide a few principles for what I believe is becoming a lost Christian discipline (or consistent commitment which leads to consistent practice)— discernment. I don’t want to be legalistic about discernment, but biblical and practical.

I will use a few examples, not to be inflammatory, but illustrative. Allow me to overview four principles from Paul’s prayer to the church at Philippi in Philippians 1:9-11 and then provide some diagnostic questions to apply the discipline of discernment.

1.Discernment isn’t a private practice

And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment.

Note that Paul connects growth in knowledge (namely of discernment) with growing in communal love. He wants the church to grow in knowledge of Christ and the ability to discern as they grow in their communal commitment to one-another. The idea is that biblical discernment is a congregational benefit. As I grow in knowledge and discernment I am growing my capacity to give gospel-life. If I’m teaching my kids to take care in their decisions, they will bring less sin, less folly, and less vanity into the Christian community. Conversely, disruptions or distractions to true gospel community may be precisely because of poor discernment.

Diagnostic Discernment Questions

I should add, these are questions for you to consider as parents, not necessarily to ask to your kids. Though, if they can provide thoughtful and honest answers, ask them too!

• Does allowing this make them a leader or follower?
• Are they pressured to do this by any friends or influences?
• If they talk about this with friends or classmates, will the conversation please Christ?
• If you allow this, will it make them a better encouragement?

2. Discernment prioritizes excellent over acceptable

so that you may approve what is excellent

Look, there’s a purpose clause— “so that.” We grow in knowledge and discernment so that we discipline ourselves in what is excellent. True discernment isn’t primarily a matter of what’s good or bad, but what’s good and best. We don’t sacrifice what’s best on the altar of what’s acceptable.

Let’s reapply the community lens here. When it becomes commonplace for a few children, parents, or anyone, to celebrate what is mediocre in a spiritually undisciplined culture, mediocrity will become normality. We must remember that every millisecond of our life was bloodbought. Our life cost too much of Christ’s blood to be lived settling for what is “okay.”

Diagnostic Discernment Questions

• What philosophies (“knowledge”) are they learning from this?
• Do we have genuinely thoughtful reasons for what we allow or disallow, or are we normalizing research for good decision making or trust the opinions and choices of others?
• Are you willing to be a “weird” parent who lives outside the entertainment norms?

3. Discernment perpetuates the purity of our testimony

and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,

That word “pure” means “cleansed” and “blameless” means “unaccusable.” Our lack of discernment may make us accusable of impurity. When our pleasures, celebrations, and heroes are the same as our unsaved neighbors, they know less of the light of Christ in us and more of the same darkness which dooms them.

When we attend the concert on Saturday night to sing songs which normalize the world’s sexuality and the world’s philosophy, then show up at church on Sunday and sing songs about Christ (sometimes in very similar styles!), it not only confuses our neighbors. It confuses our kids.

Diagnostic Discernment Questions

• Are we allowing things in our home that would need to be defended to our neighbors?
• Are our pleasures and values actually different from the children and families of unbelievers?
• Do we have to tell our kids “don’t talk about this or that with [fill in the blank]” fairly regularly?
• Are we willing to walk back allowances that we discern as unhelpful or destructive to the testimony of our family?

4. Discernment produces purer worship

filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Look at the two aspects of this verse. First, discernment produces the fruit of righteousness that is grown in and through Christ. And second, it contributes to our glorification of God. So without the discipline of discernment, not only is our communal contribution inhibited, but our growth in righteousness and worship is as well.

Remember, every decision we make produces something (Matt. 15:11). As discernment is productive (it grows something), so is carelessness. If we are rooted by discernment, righteousness will grow and worship will flourish. If we cultivate carelessness and compromise, it will produce the folly of selfishness.

Pressing further into the image, remember the product of fruit began with a seed root. Watching a movie with a hint of impurity, listening to music which celebrates self, or allowing unrestricted video games which tend toward time-wasting may not reap an immediate harvest of perversion, hedonism, and laziness, but a habit of sowing seeds will eventually produce a harvest. As discernment reaps a harvest, so does moral inattentiveness.

Diagnostic Discernment Questions

• If you allow this, what is the natural next step or progression?
• What do our kids’ most-used words, most-sung song, and most-often referenced movies say about the affections of their hearts?
• Do your kids know their greatest purpose is worship?
• Are you sowing seeds to keep your kids pleased, or to keep them praising?

Dads, we are the content gate-keepers of our homes. Discernment is a commitment to vigilantly guard the gates for the glory of God. I’m praying God strengthens us all for the task.