What Fathers Forget to Provide

As a high school teacher, I often find students wandering into my classroom who are crumbling under the weight of things much more stressful than a math test. It’s common for teenagers to struggle with friendships, dating relationships, overwhelm from school work, an inability to balance responsibilities, or trying to sort out their future.

My entire career has taught me that many teenagers are unprepared to navigate the world directly in front of them. In these situations, as a rule, I first try to point them back to their parents for guidance. Who better to help children process reality and learn to navigate life than the people who are primarily responsible for their well being and who have watched them grow to this point? Sadly, I can anticipate each student’s inevitable response: “I can’t talk to my parents.”

Today, I would like to highlight why this incredibly common scenario indicates a problem specifically with us as fathers. Many fathers know it is their responsibility to provide for their children, but they miss the fact that an important part of what a father provides for his children is wisdom.

If you are exhausted because your child is in the phase where they ask you non-stop questions, this talk may feel extra daunting. However, fathers do not have the luxury of shortsightedness. Our role is to be constantly looking ahead to anticipate the adult our child is becoming. Consider that one day your teenage child may turn anywhere and everywhere else besides you when they need advice or wisdom.

With that in mind, let’s look at what the Bible says about training our children in wisdom.

1. We are expected to possess and to share wisdom.

Proverbs 4 introduces us to a father who is instructing his son with wisdom. He informs his son that his instruction is wisdom he learned from his own father. While our intention is often to read Proverbs for our own growth in wisdom (which is great!), there is a clear expectation here for fathers to possess wisdom and then share it with their children. In fact, twenty-three times in the book of Proverbs we see the phrase “my son” before the author gives instruction. Fathers are charged to share wisdom both in word and in action.

The wisdom in Proverbs can absolutely be overwhelming. It ranges from simple advice to foundational worldview instruction. As fathers, we need to be prepared to share wisdom that is both comprehensive and filled with discernment. We need to be ready for the small moments and the big ones.

2. We need to know our children.

Proverbs 27:23 says, “Know well the condition of your flocks, and give attention to your herds.” Wisdom requires us to know well the condition of everything God has entrusted to us. As fathers, our directive as the head of the family is to know the condition of the people that God has entrusted to us. For our children, we must know the areas in which they struggle, the areas in which they thrive, the path they have walked up to this point, and the direction in which they are heading. Furthermore, we must be aware of sins that our children are particularly susceptible to.

Have you pondered potential pitfalls that await your child? Together, with our wives (who undoubtedly notice things about our children that we men miss), we must know our children as well as we know ourselves. This is our responsibility as fathers. In fact, I would argue that we are failing as fathers if we know more about our work responsibilities and our hobbies than we do about our own children.

Being that familiar with our children does not happen overnight. It doesn’t materialize on an annual beach vacation or on a random family game night. This depth of knowledge requires daily interactions with each of our children. It requires individualized activities, conversations, and observations. It requires our presence and attention. It requires us to humbly avoid jumping to unfounded conclusions about our kids. Finally, it requires time, so much time.

3. We need to make a plan for our children.

In Proverbs 3, the author has a vision for his son as an adult. One instance of this foresight is in verse 10 where he says “then your barns will be filled with plenty.” The wisdom he is sharing is meant to shape his future adult son.

It’s important to remember that our job as fathers is not accomplished after raising a 5 year old or a 10 year old. Lord willing, we are parenting future adults. Future adults need to be disciplined yet adaptable, hard working yet able to rest, confident yet humble, and strong yet kind. They need to be financially responsible. They need to know how to act in a variety of social situations. They need to know how to date with wisdom and intention, how to hold a job, and how to pay bills. They need to know how to pray, how to identify a good church, and how to study the Bible for themselves.

Our children’s future is unknown, but scripture is clear that it is our responsibility to prepare them. So sit down with your wife and make a plan. In your community, seek out parents of children older than your own, and ask for advice on preparing your children for future stages of life. There will always be a degree of figuring-it-out-as-you-go, but that shouldn’t be our default. We should identify what is coming for our children and prepare them for it.

An important note here is that this isn’t about controlling our children. It’s about preparing them for what God has for them. We don’t determine their future. Only God does.

4. We must be available, not overbearing.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by the Book of Proverbs, it’s probably because you read it as one giant lecture. While the first nine chapters are individual speeches, the vast majority of the book contains one-off statements intended to be gathered and applied over a lifetime. In other words, most of the wisdom that Solomon has for us should be received in small bits over a long period of time.

I have to check myself here. I talk too much. I think I’m bestowing tremendous wisdom, but usually I end up lecturing my kids until they physically can’t listen anymore. Of course, that is not what it means to provide wisdom to my children. Yes, we need to speak and to model wisdom to our children, but we need to do that in many little moments over the years.

Final Thoughts

Remember everything starts with being immersed in biblical wisdom ourselves. Whether you start a Bible reading plan, join a Bible study, or memorize scripture, knowing God must come first. Grow in wisdom and be present with your children to share that wisdom. When life presents them with a challenge, they will either be prepared to handle the challenge on their own, or they will know they can turn to you for guidance.