Five Signs of Selfish Parenting

Everyone battles selfishness, and that selfishness doesn’t disappear when you have kids, it just gets exposed! Suddenly, you’re sharing life with little people who want things their way.

Parenting for God’s glory means disciplining, correcting, and leading your kids for their good and for God’s glory. Selfish parenting flips that around. It makes your kids behavior about you - your good and your glory.

Here are five warning signs that you might be parenting selfishly.

Enforcing rules for your own comfort and convenience.

If you’re parenting selfishly, you’re probably implementing house rules that protect your own comfort rather than promote your children’s growth maturity.

If you’re wondering if you’re parenting your kids to protect your comfort, ask yourself this question: Which infractions bother you the most? Is it when your kids are too loud or too messy, or is it when your kids are unkind or deceitful? If you’re more bothered when your kids inconvenience you than when your kids are sinning, you’re probably parenting selfishly.

Hebrews 12:10-11 says that God “disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.” Our discipline should have the same goal: our children’s good and growth in holiness, not our own personal peace and quiet.

Being satisfied with outward appearance.

If you’re parenting selfishly, you’ll be more concerned with how your kids look than about who they are becoming. This results in a focus on outward appearance that rewards conformity. Success is based on others’ opinion of your children’s behavior.

Are you more concerned about your kids behavior at church or in public than you are with their behavior at home? Do you compel external compliance without nurturing their souls?

In Matthew 23, Jesus described the Pharisees in this way: “You are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”

A focus on outward appearance could create “little Pharisees” in your home. Yes, work on your kids’ public behavior, but not to the neglect of their hearts. A shiny outward appearance should never be considered “mission accomplished” in a dad’s eyes.

Viewing your kids as extensions of yourself.

If you’re parenting selfishly, you’ll likely seek to find your identity in your children’s achievements. You’ll try to actualize your own dreams and priorities through the lives of your children. Perhaps you’re pushing them toward activities or hobbies simply because you wish you had done it when you were younger.

You may not realize it, but this could be a form of idolatry. You’re seeking to create your children in your image. But don’t forget that you’re raising God’s image-bearers, not yours. Psalm 127:3 says that “Children are a heritage from the LORD.” You are entrusted with their souls. Don’t make their performance a reflection of your worth; raise them up to reflect God’s glory.

Demanding respect without modeling humility.

Children are commanded by God in Ephesians 6:1-2, “Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother.’” It is the calling and responsibility of every child to learn how to honor and respect Dad. But it is the calling of every dad to not make it too difficult for their kids to honor and respect them. This is why Ephesians 6 continues with the command: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” Colossians 3:21 says something similar: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

Do you expect your children to listen, apologize, and show respect, but you rarely do the same when you’re wrong? Do you demand respect from your kids simply because “God says so,” without exemplifying the type of humility and kindness that earns that respect?

As Christians, we’re called to think like Jesus, a mindset described for us in Philippians 2:3-5: “In humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” If the Son of God could have this mindset toward lowly sinners, we can have this mindset toward our children.

When you sin against your kids, confess it. When you mess up, admit it. Your humility will earn far more respect than your dominance ever could.

Viewing parenting as a burden instead of a calling.

There’s no doubt about it: parenting is hard. If you’re driven by self-centeredness, you’ll see parenting as a burden to escape. You’ll be counting down the days until your “prison sentence” is up. You’ll see your kids as a drain on your happiness rather than gifts from God.

If this is where your heart is, it will inevitably result in complaining. You’ll gripe to your spouse or to your friends about the constant burden of parenting and how you “just can’t wait for them to move out.” And inevitably, your kids will hear it.

What a tragedy it would be if your kids viewed themselves as burdens in your life, rather than blessings. Ask God to renew your joy as you fulfill his calling. Parenting is an act of worship! It’s a daily opportunity to serve him through serving your family.

Every one of us drifts toward selfishness. It’s part of our fallen nature to seek ease, comfort, and control. But Christ calls us to a different kind of fatherhood. Let the grace you have received from Christ reshape the grace you extend to your kids. The more you look to the selfless, sacrificial love of your Savior, the more you’ll reflect that same love to your family.